I have spent a lot of time staring at a blank page on my computer. I write a few words only to delete them revealing a blank page once again. I’m not sure if it is fear of not writing the ‘right’ words or a matter of not having anything worthy to say. Maybe it is just my mood as of late.
As I sit home sick on the couch sidelined for a week, I snuggle up in my favourite hoodie feeling sorry for myself. I hide under my hood pulled over my head thinking of all the things I want to change, things I feel guilty about not doing, places I’d rather be exploring and focusing on the negative instead of discovering an optimistic path. I hide under my hood waiting for something that won’t happen without me getting off the couch.
First I need to fight to not be sick anymore. Time to get off the couch and feed my body what it needs to heal.
Sometimes is it the smallest things that can suddenly seem so huge. It may not even seem the least bit significant in the moment but somehow it is. In that moment of achievement, no one notices, no one cares, no one remembers… except me. It is those tiny self-proclaimed accomplishments that become completely consuming.
Today I once again convinced myself that on my mat is where I needed to be. I still feel rotten from this cold that won’t let go, yet I went to work and did my best at ignoring myself. For an hour over lunch, I had no choice but to pay attention.
I entered the yoga studio grumpy, tired and not wanting to engage. I thought at least I could lay in child pose and pat myself on the back for just showing up. That really isn’t my nature so I took a few moments to relax, clear my head and pay attention to what my body wanted and needed. It was an exhausting hour, but near the end, I felt I really did deserve that pat on the back. I accomplished something so many other yogis do every day. It is a simple pose, but to me, I almost collapsed crying as I had finally done it. Not only did I look like a star, I felt like one.
This isn’t me, but I swear this is how I looked and felt in that moment.
It may seem small, insignificant and unimportant but I proved something to myself today. I proved that something so simple as balancing on my hand and foot can change my mood, change my outlook, and put that proverbial skip in my step that I had been missing for far too long.
Every once in a while I stop to think about all the paths I have crossed in life. No matter what the agenda, each and every person I have passed has impacted something within me even to the tiniest degree. The person that bumped into me without a second thought made me more aware to watch I don’t swing my pack as carelessly; the homeless guy I see every morning on my way to work has made me appreciate the fact I can buy him a coffee; the tour guide I trusted to hook me into a zip line makes me understand others want to be trusted; the sales clerk that went above and beyond to help me even though I was visibly frustrated made me realize life is too short to be a jerk to others no matter what their attitude; the angry customer I assisted with nothing but understanding and positivity made me realize some people just want to be heard. Chance meetings can be just that, or we can pay attention to subtle cues that can shape who we are, and who we can become.
The paths I have walked along have had a much larger impact in my life than those I merely crossed. I have learned to cherish all of them, both in the moment and after our paths have diverged. I know that even the best of friends may be so for many years, but as lives change course, by conscious choice or by no control of our own, I cannot hold sadness in my heart for I am a better person to have had the encounter than not at all. I will remember what made us laugh until we cried, the trouble we got into, then talked our way back out of, and all the adventures we shared. I will put aside the fights, frustrations and even jealousy. I will reflect on what we had (and have) and know it may not be forever as life is dynamic and everyone has a path to follow. I am forever grateful mine hasn’t been a straight line on a flat road.
I will look back at my twisty, bumpy path and smile in hopes that what lays ahead is much the same. From the small pebbles I trip over, to the boulders I’ve managed to move rather than simply go around, I will know I was meant to cross each person’s path. I may not always know the reason, but for those I’ve walked with rather than just tripped over, thank you. To those I’ve yet to meet, I will remember to embrace the moment and not worry about what is around the next bend.
Sometimes the smallest events can change the way I think about life. Sometimes it can be as simple as a waking up from a dream which feels so real it takes time to comprehend it wasn’t. Sometimes it comes from accomplishing something … Continue reading →