I saw a quote written in grafitti on a building as I commuted to work one morning. It seemed to resonate with me although I’ve likely looked at it before but perhaps I had never really paid it much attention. I wondered as I walked from the train station to my office building if seeing it on that particular morning was some divine source poking me on the shoulder with yet another reminder that where I am in life really is my choice and not just forces of nature working against what I think I really want. That was the key; what I think I want as opposed to what I know I want.
This week I am on what I believe is a much-needed break. I searched for what I thought was a dream vacation to somewhere with a beach, warm weather and someone to cook my meals, clean my room and serve me drinks, but ended up deciding on was 9 days with my parents at their vacation home in Arizona. For a moment I admit I felt remorse as I booked the flight because what ran through my head was ‘I guess it will do’.
As I sit on the patio with a coffee in my hand looking at the pool I remind myself I am truly fortunate. It is easy to forget the stresses of work I endured late last year. It is easy to forget I have an amazing home in the Canadian Rockies and not think about what needs to be done to keep it as fabulous as I’ve become accustomed. It is easy to forget many people never have the opportunity to escape every day life to a few days of true relaxation with not a worry in sight. It is too easy to forget I am lucky enough to not be a tree and can move whenever I need.
I am not a tree. If I don’t like where I am, I simply stand up and walk away. But sometimes I need to be a tree and just stay put to remind myself things aren’t so bad where I’m rooted.
It has been far too long. I can make up excuses like I’m busy, tired, have nothing to say, but the truth is I have just neglected writing.
As I find myself 33,000 feet somewhere over the continental US I decide it is time to flip open my laptop and feel the keys beneath my fingertips.
I don’t have much on my mind worth putting in black and white but seeing abstract characters fill an otherwise white page is somehow relaxing.
Should I ramble on about daily life? daily stresses? daily happiness? Should I post about favourite things? things that inspire me? pet peeves?
Should I just be happy to have written something at all.
It has been far too long.
Set aside your preconceived notions of what may happen.
Be open to anything that will happen.
Put away your insecurities and self-judgments.
Feel strong, secure and confident.
Forget other people may judge for they may also be there for support.
Leave the excuses not to go for a time when they are actually valid.
Dig deep for the excuses that encourage you to do it.
Never be afraid to fail.
Remember the feeling of accomplishment and hold on.
Life would be boring if we never stepped out of our comfort zone.
I have taken a bit of a break from writing but I am ready to get back at it. I am deciding the best platform to resume my writing. Do I continue with the confusing blogging site I’m used to fighting through to publish, or do I take the leap and create my own web site? Do I just write with pen and paper or do I share my thoughts? Do I start fresh or continue where I left off being distracted while I procrastinate? I have been admiring a few blog sites and keep thinking I should take the leap and go on my own, create myself a space on line, write somewhere my thoughts can flow freely but where I am now is comfortable and familiar.
It is intimidating to know where to look for a domain if I take that leap. I don’t have the first idea how to begin to build a web site but I know people who do and I can learn. Just like I learned to blog, to learn to share my writing, to accept not everything I write is good, most important to learn I love to just write. Then there is the decision of branding. What do I want my site to represent? I have one shot to make a first impression and that comes with not only the site itself, but what should my domain name be? Should it reflect me, my writing, my personality, my dreams, the pressure I’m putting on myself to make such a simple decision?
Should I just stay the course I’m on now? I’m happy with it. No, I’m content. I enjoy where I am with my blogging but I think it could be better, more focused. Isn’t that the point of this blog? Unfocused, distracted, writing whatever I’m feeling. I’ve changed my theme many times to suit the mood I’m in or where I think I want my blog to head only to change it again when something new is released or I stumble on a beautiful blog that I try to replicate. No, I need my own, not copy someone else. I know what I like, I know what I don’t like. Simplicity is best for the theme to not distract from the words. It is the words that are important.
The black marks on the white page. The words can distract. The words should distract and focus at the same time. Now I will procrastinate.
This isn’t something new; It is something I’ve known for a very long time. It is something I’ve known for so long I had the chance twice and ran away scared. I ran but always found a way to return year after year after year. I had family here. I found a friend who lived here, I found a reason to come back every September long weekend for 13 years. I found a different reason to come back when the previous reason ran out of lives. I found a best friend who grew up here. I found a (not so) distant relative who spent a better part of his life here. I started running to make an excuse to return for a few years although it was a half marathon and I’d be in pain for days. I found a reason.
At what point are the reasons and excuses going to run out? I’m a “Western Canadian” girl and always will be but my heart feels best when I’m on the West Coast. I’m not going to sleep tonight*. Not because I can’t, but because I don’t want to. I want to take in the city as much as I can because I refuse to take it for granted. I refuse to not appreciate why I am here and what is outside my window. I am trying so hard to not have regrets but every time I’m here I hate to leave. It isn’t that feeling of never wanting to end a vacation. It is a feeling of not wanting to be a tourist but a resident with a career, a life, a home… I want people who do live here to understand what they have and what they aren’t missing.
It don’t want to cry, to waste energy wondering why not. I want to spend every moment breathing in the salty air, the West Coast vibe, to appreciate salty hair and a feeling of comfort and to understand the hustle and bustle of a city that is vibrant and full of energy. I won’t regret what could have been but enjoy what is and know it will be here when I need it.
Perhaps if I lived here I wouldn’t appreciate what I do now. It isn’t that far away and possibly only being here once a year makes me understand how amazing it is. There is a reason it is my home county and not some exotic location. I have to remember how close it is peeking at me just over the mountains and the feeling I get when I’m here. I need to put those feelings in a jar to open when I’m forgetting how amazing the feelings can be. It might be just a city and many people have told me it isn’t where you are, but who you are, however there are times when location is everything. I need to cherish what this moment is and close my eyes to take a mental snapshot so when I’m feeling blue I will remember what it feels like to be in Vancouver.
My heart is and always will be yours. XO
*written about a month ago while in Vancouver after I completed my 3rd half marathon.